Wow! OMG I can’t believe I haven’t written in 30 days.  Today is Friday the 13th and my 96th day of rising before the sun.  My only reason for not writing is overwhelm, a result of growing pains.  When I began this process 96 days ago, and asked for expansion and growth, I forgot that sometimes it can be confronting and a wee bit painful, emotionally.  Couple this with the darkest time of the year and we have the makings of emotional soup.

I am currently doing things which have pushed me out my comfort zone and stretched me in the most uncomfortable places.  My capacity has indeed grown. Things are moving swiftly in my life.  These changes are a blessing so I will continue on my sadhana journey and endure the temporary discomfort.

This time of year, the darkest days, are perfect for doing introspective work.  After all, it is not hard to notice our shadow side when the sun sinks lower in the horizon each day and the thermometer dips.  The cold compresses us, forcing any and all sadness and discontent up to the surface.  It dawned on me that this is another place where we get to practice surrender to the darker side of life – death.  We experience mini deaths all the time, any time something comes to an end.

This is an opportunity to make peace with endings.  Without endings there are no beginnings; and, if you wish for something to change in your life you must first end something before there is room for the new.  Like cleaning out a too-full closet.  Before it is cleaned out there is little space for new purchases.  Experiences are like closets.  One needs to be cleared out before a new, updated version can show up.

Today I wanted to talk about Death. Yup, the ‘D’ word.  For so many of us death looms out there, somewhere in our future.  Some people hurtle themselves at it, time and time again, through extreme sports or extreme living.  Perhaps this is the hero’s response to this unseen foe; an attempt to conquer the invanquishable.  Others deal with death by controlling every detail of their lives.  They are trying to out manuever and outpace this stealthy predator.

For the yogi, death is the exciting doorway to self and only marks the end of their purposeful, physical journey of life.  Death is not seen as an event to fear but an event to embrace.  How do we embrace death while alive?  By practicing.

Getting up in the wee hours of the morning before the sun shoots its first rays of light into the blackness is one of the ways of embracing this shapeless enemy. Little by little we begin to welcome the dark and we begin to remember that the expansive darkness is the place of our origin- where we begin and end.  I noticed around day 55 that I no longer faced the dark with the feelings of dread or subtle fear.  It now feels like the place of possibilities, the womb of my desires, the blank black chalkboard of creation.  As I reflect on this sensation now, I can feel the tiny bubbles of anticipation for my future.  From deep within me is springing the excitment of something awesome brewing.

There are only a few religions and esoteric practices which give you this most sacred knowledge – How to die.  I believe even Dan Brown in his newest book, The Lost Symbol, touches on this somewhat taboo subject.  (I only read 35 pages so far so I’m not sure how deep he goes).  What I am going to tell you is that it is more simple than you think.

You need only practice thinking expanded thoughts about G-O-D, the universe, the Divine, etc.  Yogi Bhajan gave this teaching and I had the privilege to study it this past weekend at a Level II Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training- Life Styles and Life Cycles. Utilizing breathing and visualization techniques is a safe way to give you a mock experience of dying.  Please do not harm yourself to get this experience it will most likely have an adverse effect.

Confront your fear of death with baby steps and you will find that your life begins to feel more joyful.

Well today, day 59, was my worst sadhana day.  I woke at a little before 4 am and watched my husband walk out the door to lead Sadhana at our studio.  Me? I rolled over in bed and pulled the covers up to my chin.  I slept for another hour until my commitment prodded me into rising.  I turned on the ipod and selected the Aquarian mantra cd. After setting up my pillows to meditate in bed, I ‘tuned in,’ chanting Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo.  This had the same effect as ‘Calgon Take Me Away’ or ‘Beam me up Scottie’.  I could hardly keep my eyes focused and my head upright.  You see, we just finished leading yoga teacher training for the second weekend in a row.  I was exhausted.  After the second mantra I slipped beneath the covers and merely listened while completely horizontal, and very cozy, I might add.

Interestingly enough, I did not fall asleep.  I allowed the sounds and music to wash over me. My cells relaxed, my bones hummed.  This weekend Gurudass Kaur, our lead trainer, spoke about the power of mantra and how chanting the ancient sounds is like strumming the strings of our body system.  The mantra begins to play us.  We chant day after day, week after week, and something magical happens. Actually it’s not really that magical, it is merely an effect which predictably follows the laws of physics and the properties of sound vibration.  By chanting we begin to change our vibration – we change our tune – literally.

After awhile the mantras pop into our minds, spontaneously, unbidden.  There’s a term called Anahat, which refers to the experience of hearing the mantra when there is no other sound around.  This is the goal of many yogis. To reach a state of mind which is dispassionate, neutral, and insusceptible to the seductions of the negative mind.  While this sounds rather dull to those of us who enjoy much of our human condition, it is also a state of an expanded heart. Anahata (just adding an ‘a’) is the sanskrit word for the heart.

From my brief experience at this extended daily practice I would say that my heart is expanding. Slowly. I would equate the size of my heart to the first expansion pictured so vividly in the How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss.  I can hardly wait for my heart to grow so big it breaks out of the frame in which it is held. I wonder if it is even possible…

Last Wednesday I hit the 40 day mark.  Forty day cycles paced the calendars of the ancients who tracked Solar cycles instead of our modern day system which tracks the Lunar cycles (sort of).  In the old days there would have been 9 such cycles within each year.  The number forty signifies the time it takes to make a significant spiritual or mental shift while the number 9 represents mastery. Moses spent 40 years wandering in the desert, Jesus 40 days, while Noah floated on flood waters as it rained 40 days and 40 nights – enough time for a cleansing and total transformation of humanity.  These stories are repeated in most of our world religions with similar themes and main characters.

Okay, so what does all this mean in terms of practicing yoga and meditation today?  The yogis believe personal transformation can and does occur within a forty day period of time.  This transformation may even be more powerful if an intention is attached to the original commitment or goal.

In my case I only want to experience the possibilities of what may happen to my mind, body and spirit as a result of practicing continuously for one year.  Already I feel more neutral minded, calmer, and I am slightly thinner.  My diet has improved as well.

Each day my Sadhana practice varies from as much as 50 minutes of yoga, and 60 minutes of meditation, to one minute of yawning and stretching for my yoga, and curling up in bed for the last mantra of the series.  Still I feel the benefits of a steadier nervous system.  And, the most amazing part for me, is that I have done all of this before the sun begins to brighten the sky.  I am someone who for years thought I needed 10 hours of consecutive sleep each night.  Anything is possible…